hummus and yoga

I forgot to blog for a little while, oops. But I have excellent news! The job interview I went on a couple of weeks ago went pretty well & I’m officially a little barista. Give me all the PSLs, please. Since I can hardly order my own drink without stuttering, I’m really nervous about this, but I also think that having a second job (and possibly a roommate) is going to take my stress level down a little and that’s really all I care about right now. Seriously, I feel like my head might explode and I’m over it.

If you insist…

Sometimes when I’m sad or even in just a weird mood, I don’t want to write because I worry that Internet creeps will know way too much of whats going on (as if they don’t already) and even though I have this public blog, I’m not into it.  Not saying that I’ve been sad while I’ve been MIA for the last two weeks, but I think I’ve definitely been in a weird mood. Seriously, the first thing I do when I have extra money coming in is getting another membership to hot yoga. Way cheaper than therapy and the drive home after a class makes everything better.

Speaking of not having money right now, I bought a watch today. I know, I’m an asshole, but at least I paid using real money (seriously, I never want to touch a credit card again in my life) and even though I feel extremely guilty for it, I’ve thought long and hard about it and I’m coming to terms with it.

When I was in middle school, my dad bought me a watch for my birthday: a silver Fossil watch with a metallic blue face. It was the only watch I’ve ever owned (except for a $10 Target one I bought a few months ago but refuses to actually stay on my wrist) and I wore it every single day from that birthday and for years after he passed away until it pretty much fell apart. I wore it in the shower, in my sleep, to work, in the ocean, in the lake, when I was fat, and when I was skinny. Sometime during way too many moves, I misplaced it and even though I’m actually really bad at reading a watch in a hurry, I have always remembered that watch. I remember how the day I opened it, I pretty much thought knew that I was a big deal because, DUH, it was Fossil. Those are like, a million dollars, right? Plus he said I was turning into a grown up and grown ups need to know what time it is. A smart man, that guy.

For the last few years I’ve been debating getting a new one but could never really justify spending um, a million dollars, on a watch. Or $115, whatever. When you’re eating toast for dinner most nights of the week, its all the same thing. Then I got this job where I have to cover up my wrist tattoo and of course this seemed like a fitting time to just get one, so I did. Yes, I will most likely still look at my phone often when I need to know the time (because I’m a mf’n adult, as I learned in middle school) but in just the few hours that I’ve been wearing it (over the tattoo I got for him, ironically enough), I find myself thinking about him every time I see it. I understand that it may be cheesy (or ridiculous) to some people that a specific brand of watch could bring up so many memories of my dad, but when there are little to no photos to look back on and nobody to talk about him to, I really appreciate every chance I get to flashback a few years and think of him.

Besides the bouquet of flowers he got me every year on my birthday (a tradition that I shamelessly carry on myself because nobody else will), that million dollar watch is the last material gift that I remember getting from him, and even though I don’t have that one anymore, the one I’m wearing now has already reminded me of him and I like to think of this gift to myself as a reminder that I still need to make him proud… every. single. day. I’ve spent a lot of time alone in the past few months and I think about him often, but it also reminds me that things could be worse, and they have been.

So yes, I bought it when I probably shouldn’t have, but I bought it because I got a 2nd job that (sorta) required it. I got a 2nd job because I’m not going to let awful life events and choices bring me down. And I’m not letting things bring me down because I still need to be everything I promised to him when he was sick.

There you have it, Internet creeps. I just did exactly what I was planning on not doing. You’re welcome.